The truth? The truth is, I lost me for a second there whilst trying to make you happy. The truth is, that I’ve allowed myself to somewhat deplete whilst attempting to make you full. The truth is, I have come to find that maybe, just maybe, you were only another lesson in this thing that we call life. “Growing pains” I would like to call it, and I don’t know exactly what happened to open my eyes… but now that they’re open, I do not wish to blinded any longer. I do not wish to live my life on hold for anyone, but rather, I am going to live life for myself. On my terms, in my own way. Take it or leave it, but this is how it has to be.
There are so many things in life that are over looked and taken for granted. No, im not talking about materials here either. I’m talking about health, relationships, love, TIME. Why is it that we have to go and buy a pack of cigarettes to basically kill ourselves? We are paying dearly for spending our time on something that will jeopardize our health- and we pay with our lives. Not only is it wasting your money but smoking makes you stink, unhealthy, and unattractive. Recently, someone told me that money is time to them. Time that has been invested and taken out of their life. So when buying a gift for someone, they are giving them their time. I dont know about most of you… but time to me, is the only thing that I can never get back. Sure, I can get a job again. Falling in love definitely will happen again at one point or another, and if I eat right and exercise daily I will have the body and health I desire. People always come back together somehow or they stay apart for a reason. Knowing all these things, I still manage to smoke these nasty cigarettes… fighting to put them down for good. Even at this exact moment, I sit in my sisters hallway looking at my pack of smokes knowing it is literally the worst thing I can do to myself…. but I crave to light one up. I did in fact, just light one up. The truth?? It tastes like pure shit. I feel it burn my throat as I inhale, and even hurt my lungs when the smoke gets there. My shortness of breath smacks me in the face everytime, and yet I’m still puffing away. I am going to truly try my hardest to make this the last cigarette that ever touches my lips.
It’s funny because I have a shit ton of drafts I have never posted… and as I read them now they are all pretty fucking awesome and should’ve been posted so long ago. However, being a “Jill of all trades and master of none,” I just realized I may have mastered the art of procrastination.
I sit here… watching her. A pretty little blonde sitting in her car, staring at her phone. I couldnt help but notice that she was scrolling through every social media site known to man. Snapchat, Facebook, Instagram, etc. She did this for about 3 minutes. As she hopped back and forth between apps, I couldnt help but think of myself. I envisioned me stuck in my phone… doing the same exact same thing! I could feel the time being wasted with every scroll. I could see myself after work in my car, getting lost in this black hole of bullshit. Who cares what everyone else is doing. Who cares if this one’s cookies came out like shit. How many times are you going to play those stupid Facebook games and expect a different answer, as if it somehow knows your current situation or future?? How long are you going to watch everyone else live their lives, until realizing you should be living yours?
Social media is the devil! This smart phone is the devil! Funny, because getting older makes you realize that Bobby Boucher’s mother (the water boy) was definitely over the top… but she was onto something.
Pay more attention to it. Be light. Be the light. Sometimes the things that get infected only get infected because it needs your TLC. DONT FORGET WHY YOU MARKED IT DOWN. My tattoos are more than just a picture. My tattoos are lessons, and blessings. The eye of every storm… only realizing you ARE the storm.
So, I started reading my bible. Not because I felt I had to, but because I want to. I have finally hit a point in my life where somethings gotta give. Whatever I have been doing is working… but not fully. Its kind of like I have this whole extra room that has miraculous things inside… locked up. Out of reach. Now, if only I cleaned to find the key right? Why is it that I’m not “cleaning” top to bottom until the key is found? How could I just sit and live comfortably knowing there is a whole room filled with blessings right in front of my face?
God is so good. I am blessed constantly. So blessed, yet I somehow always find something wrong.
I snuck into the movies tonight. Can you even believe that? I snuck into a damn movie tonight… as if I was 13 years old running a riot. Who did I think I was? What on earth would make me do such a thing when I know better? Why exactly did I get a thrill out of it… until we were sitting in someone else’s seat and I almost shit myself!!! The feeling of embarrassment rushing over me constantly every time someone got up to leave, or come into the theatre. The forseeing of a worker coming in with his flashlight, asking us to see the invisible tickets we did not have… I could have passed out!!! I could not even enjoy the movie I was watching due to the fact that I was a nervous wreck the whole entire time.
Funny, when you are almost hitting your 30’s, not everything is acceptable anymore. Integrity, for one, is something I truly value. Yet, there I was still sneaking into a movie knowing it wasn’t right. What if someone had come up to us asking to see our tickets? What then? Tonight kind of reminded me of the time around 6 years ago when I was in walmart and decided to steal a $3 tank top. With over $300 in my wallet I still decided to take an unnecessary risk, and I got caught. Stopped right at the door with my boyfriend at the time, and boy oh boy was I embarressed. So embarresessed I’ve never stolen again.
What now? Why do we always have to learn the hard way? Why do we have to make the mistake in order to grow? Thankfully, I did not get caught sneaking into the movie theater; but I did learn the hard way on my own. I will strive to never allow myself to feel those anxious feelings again. Growth is a beautiful thing.
Why is it that we get stuck in a pattern of making the wrong choices, even after an eye opening experience that demanded us to change? Why do us humans continuously hurt ourselves, and the ones we love by our actions? Why is there so much fear in changing? Nothing changes if nothing changes! It really is a beautiful thing to evolve… so why do we not trust the process of being broken, all while knowing that a breakthrough is surely on it’s way.
This universe is tricky. It has a way of filling us up completely, to suddenly draining us dry. For all the bright and sunny days, there will be dark and gloomy ones waiting around the corner. For all the laughs and joy filled tears, there will be pain and sadness standing close by. For all the love that fills our soul, there is an enemy waiting to steal it away. Most times, that enemy is ourselves… making poor impulse decisions left and right. Why not go straight though? Why are we not sick of the insanity we put ourselves through on a daily basis? What does it take for us to finally go forth and let go of everything that’s been programmed inside of us? For all my questions I can only come up with one answer that feels right– faith.
Faith is the only thing that can keep us going, even when we feel we have nothing left. Having faith is knowing that your bright sunny day is coming; and gaining strength to make it through until it does. Having faith is knowing that God does everything for a reason, so we have to take the good with the bad. Bad day today..? Have faith in a better tomorrow! Every seed we plant has to get watered; or it dies. Do we want beautiful gardens or fields full of weeds?
I have realized more than ever that Christmas is not about gifts… at all. The biggest gift we were all given was Jesus being born to save the world 2,000 years ago. A gift we are given every year is simply being alive, and being able to be with people we love. Presence not presents!!! I think a lot of people do not understand what this holiday actually is… and I am guilty too, having been one of those people the last 28 years of my life.
Why do we find the need to put ourselves into temporary debt to prove our love to other people? We will go out into overcrowded stores, drain our wallets dry, while stressing the entire time on not getting “enough.” What exactly is enough? A gift should be something given from the heart. A gift should be something that made someone think of you, so they wanted you to have it. Whether you spent hundreds of dollars or nothing but time making it yourself… a gift should be given from the heart. I overheard someone tell another person “did you see your gifts?? He really does love you!” All while knowing it actually is a very unhealthy relationship. I’ve seen mothers stress out about not having enough for their children, when being their protector and biggest fan is more than enough. I’ve seen people fighting over who got this and who is buying what. I’ve felt my own sadness in Christmas, for it’s just not what it used to be when I was younger. I didnt take any pictures this season and I didn’t even put up a tree. Call me the grinch, but it just wasn’t what everyone tries to make it look like to me.
I am at a point in my life where I am just seeing through different eyes I suppose. I am seeing a bigger picture, the only picture. IT’S JESUS’ BIRTHDAY!! This world has people who do not even believe in God, or Jesus for that matter… celebrating christmas! How does that work?? Just goes to show how misguided people actually are on what this season is all about.
This year, I made a promise to myself for next year and every Christmas to come after that. I will NOT go above and beyond buying things to prove my love for people, for I will love them hard all year. I will not post all of my presents on social media, just the people and places that are gifts to me. I will be a gift, being present. I will be thankful and find joy in the most beautiful fact of it all, my savior was born that day. If we can throw people parties and plan certain gifts on their birthday, how do we not do the same for Jesus? How do we not thank him and give him the gift of being full of love, while trying to be the purest version of ourselves ? That’s all he wants. Jesus doesn’t want our money, or any materialistic item we possess. He wants us to have faith, believe in him, and watch how everything else falls into place. There is a reason for our life. There is a reason that Jesus was born right before a new year. He is a yearly and daily reminder that anything or anyone can start over. Don’t count the days, make the days count. Don’t praise all the materialistic gifts you get under the tree, be thankful for the actual gifts you have around the tree. God bless.
How do we so often fall right back into the same bullshit? So dead set on an escape plan… just to run right back to what we were running from? Is it comfort? Familiarity? Desperation? The feeling of being sure 100% that you know what you need, for only a day later settling for what you think you want. Do you really want it though..?! Do you really want to live every day tormented because you are unsure of your decision? Do you really want to live every day with chaos clouding your brain..? Trapped in a never ending box of darkness that swallows you whole? For some… sure. For me, absolutely not.
I find myself fighting the urge to walk away from something, even knowing I deserve so much more. I find myself stuck in a pattern of let downs and dishonesty. Why am I still here? Why do I feel the need to torture myself with hope that in time, everything will be “peachy keen.” How can I live without love and laughter every minute, knowing time is the only thing I can never get back? Knowing there is possibly something and/or someone out there for me that truly just fits, yet I still remain a puzzle piece from a different puzzle. What makes me so scared to walk away?
You love so many people in a lifetime. Each lover differing from the rest. Each love burns a different fire inside of you, inevitably poking out at one point or the other. Don’t fight the flame; be the flame.
Written on June 21, 2018.
Ever feel like a lot of things in your life just have to go? At what point in life do we realize that we need to reset; to cleanse? Do we wait until something or someone seriously hurts us, or do we just prefer to avoid everything by running away at any given chance? Do we wait for the perfect moment to say something, or do we just blurt it out knowing a missed chance may be missed forever? Do we save every little souvenir that we can, from any little corner store at different parts of the world; or do we throw them away knowing they are just holding us back… keeping some part of the mind occupied with regret and wonder. Why not delete that text strand from 9 months ago that holds every everything in it, knowing somewhere deep inside that those messages were the only thing that made it all seem real? Why not hit the “reset” button in your life and get rid of whatever it is that is stealing your happiness, even if its your own bad habits? Maybe its a good thing that all my drafts before this have randomly disappeared, all 15 of them! All beautiful thoughts that I felt weren’t finished. Truth be told, they were. A thought is a thought… it doesn’t have to be huge and monumental every time, but it counts for whatever its worth.
I see a shell. An empty home with dust and cobwebs. I see sadness and pain. A together but broken soul, that has lost control. I see someone who is caught it the crossfire with their past, present, and future. I feel the disappointment of the person they have chosen to drag through the mud with them. The wonder and the worry of how destructive this is going to be. Who would’ve known how bitter sweet this would taste.