Childlike behavior.

I snuck into the movies tonight. Can you even believe that? I snuck into a damn movie tonight… as if I was 13 years old running a riot. Who did I think I was? What on earth would make me do such a thing when I know better? Why exactly did I get a thrill out of it… until we were sitting in someone else’s seat and I almost shit myself!!! The feeling of embarrassment rushing over me constantly every time someone got up to leave, or come into the theatre. The forseeing of a worker coming in with his flashlight, asking us to see the invisible tickets we did not have… I could have passed out!!! I could not even enjoy the movie I was watching due to the fact that I was a nervous wreck the whole entire time.

Funny, when you are almost hitting your 30’s, not everything is acceptable anymore. Integrity, for one, is something I truly value. Yet, there I was still sneaking into a movie knowing it wasn’t right. What if someone had come up to us asking to see our tickets? What then? Tonight kind of reminded me of the time around 6 years ago when I was in walmart and decided to steal a $3 tank top. With over $300 in my wallet I still decided to take an unnecessary risk, and I got caught. Stopped right at the door with my boyfriend at the time, and boy oh boy was I embarressed. So embarresessed I’ve never stolen again.

What now? Why do we always have to learn the hard way? Why do we have to make the mistake in order to grow? Thankfully, I did not get caught sneaking into the movie theater; but I did learn the hard way on my own. I will strive to never allow myself to feel those anxious feelings again. Growth is a beautiful thing.

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limitless.

Why is it that we get stuck in a pattern of making the wrong choices, even after an eye opening experience that demanded us to change? Why do us humans continuously hurt ourselves, and the ones we love by our actions? Why is there so much fear in changing? Nothing changes if nothing changes! It really is a beautiful thing to evolve… so why do we not trust the process of being broken, all while knowing that a breakthrough is surely on it’s way.

This universe is tricky. It has a way of filling us up completely, to suddenly draining us dry. For all the bright and sunny days, there will be dark and gloomy ones waiting around the corner. For all the laughs and joy filled tears, there will be pain and sadness standing close by. For all the love that fills our soul, there is an enemy waiting to steal it away. Most times, that enemy is ourselves… making poor impulse decisions left and right. Why not go straight though? Why are we not sick of the insanity we put ourselves through on a daily basis? What does it take for us to finally go forth and let go of everything that’s been programmed inside of us? For all my questions I can only come up with one answer that feels right– faith.

Faith is the only thing that can keep us going, even when we feel we have nothing left. Having faith is knowing that your bright sunny day is coming; and gaining strength to make it through until it does. Having faith is knowing that God does everything for a reason, so we have to take the good with the bad. Bad day today..? Have faith in a better tomorrow! Every seed we plant has to get watered; or it dies. Do we want beautiful gardens or fields full of weeds?

Tis’ the season, what’s your reason?

I have realized more than ever that Christmas is not about gifts… at all. The biggest gift we were all given was Jesus being born to save the world 2,000 years ago. A gift we are given every year is simply being alive, and being able to be with people we love. Presence not presents!!! I think a lot of people do not understand what this holiday actually is… and I am guilty too, having been one of those people the last 28 years of my life.

Why do we find the need to put ourselves into temporary debt to prove our love to other people? We will go out into overcrowded stores, drain our wallets dry, while stressing the entire time on not getting “enough.” What exactly is enough? A gift should be something given from the heart. A gift should be something that made someone think of you, so they wanted you to have it. Whether you spent hundreds of dollars or nothing but time making it yourself… a gift should be given from the heart. I overheard someone tell another person “did you see your gifts?? He really does love you!” All while knowing it actually is a very unhealthy relationship. I’ve seen mothers stress out about not having enough for their children, when being their protector and biggest fan is more than enough. I’ve seen people fighting over who got this and who is buying what. I’ve felt my own sadness in Christmas, for it’s just not what it used to be when I was younger. I didnt take any pictures this season and I didn’t even put up a tree. Call me the grinch, but it just wasn’t what everyone tries to make it look like to me.

I am at a point in my life where I am just seeing through different eyes I suppose. I am seeing a bigger picture, the only picture. IT’S JESUS’ BIRTHDAY!! This world has people who do not even believe in God, or Jesus for that matter… celebrating christmas! How does that work?? Just goes to show how misguided people actually are on what this season is all about.

This year, I made a promise to myself for next year and every Christmas to come after that. I will NOT go above and beyond buying things to prove my love for people, for I will love them hard all year. I will not post all of my presents on social media, just the people and places that are gifts to me. I will be a gift, being present. I will be thankful and find joy in the most beautiful fact of it all, my savior was born that day. If we can throw people parties and plan certain gifts on their birthday, how do we not do the same for Jesus? How do we not thank him and give him the gift of being full of love, while trying to be the purest version of ourselves ? That’s all he wants. Jesus doesn’t want our money, or any materialistic item we possess. He wants us to have faith, believe in him, and watch how everything else falls into place. There is a reason for our life. There is a reason that Jesus was born right before a new year. He is a yearly and daily reminder that anything or anyone can start over. Don’t count the days, make the days count. Don’t praise all the materialistic gifts you get under the tree, be thankful for the actual gifts you have around the tree. God bless.

Yeah.

How do we so often fall right back into the same bullshit? So dead set on an escape plan… just to run right back to what we were running from? Is it comfort? Familiarity? Desperation? The feeling of being sure 100% that you know what you need, for only a day later settling for what you think you want. Do you really want it though..?! Do you really want to live every day tormented because you are unsure of your decision? Do you really want to live every day with chaos clouding your brain..? Trapped in a never ending box of darkness that swallows you whole? For some… sure. For me, absolutely not.

I find myself fighting the urge to walk away from something, even knowing I deserve so much more. I find myself stuck in a pattern of let downs and dishonesty. Why am I still here? Why do I feel the need to torture myself with hope that in time, everything will be “peachy keen.” How can I live without love and laughter every minute, knowing time is the only thing I can never get back? Knowing there is possibly something and/or someone out there for me that truly just fits, yet I still remain a puzzle piece from a different puzzle. What makes me so scared to walk away?

You love so many people in a lifetime. Each lover differing from the rest. Each love burns a different fire inside of you, inevitably poking out at one point or the other. Don’t fight the flame; be the flame.

Written on June 21, 2018.

The “reset” button.

Ever feel like a lot of things in your life just have to go? At what point in life do we realize that we need to reset; to cleanse? Do we wait until something or someone seriously hurts us, or do we just prefer to avoid everything by running away at any given chance? Do we wait for the perfect moment to say something, or do we just blurt it out knowing a missed chance may be missed forever? Do we save every little souvenir that we can, from any little corner store at different parts of the world; or do we throw them away knowing they are just holding us back… keeping some part of the mind occupied with regret and wonder. Why not delete that text strand from 9 months ago that holds every everything in it, knowing somewhere deep inside that those messages were the only thing that made it all seem real? Why not hit the “reset” button in your life and get rid of whatever it is that is stealing your happiness, even if its your own bad habits? Maybe its a good thing that all my drafts before this have randomly disappeared, all 15 of them! All beautiful thoughts that I felt weren’t finished. Truth be told, they were. A thought is a thought… it doesn’t have to be huge and monumental every time, but it counts for whatever its worth.

honest bullshit.

Lies. We all have told some, and we most certainly have heard some. Lies come from the mouths of the people who would be least expected. You know, the ones that are  shown nothing but loyalty, on a daily basis. The ones who do not deserve your loyalty nor friendship… that’s the sad part. I fear that this whole generation is based on its ability to tell a lie. The fulfillment of getting away with something that one should actually be punished for. The only way to “have their cake and eat it too.” The only way to get someone out of a bind they do not want to be in. A way to avoid hurting someones feelings. whatever the reasoning of the lie, they hurt. very much.

Recently, ive been put into a situation that I do not belong in. I am in this position due to someones ability to lie. I have been so wrongfully stabbed in the back at this point in life that it actually hurts. its kind of like the tip of the spear is touching a piece of my heart… it’s just didn’t pierce through. I have no idea how I ended up here, and honestly i don’t want to know either. what others think of me is not my business (well, im trying to tell myself that anyway.)  Now, I am put in a position that I have an opportunity to help the person who has speared my heart. The kind of person I am, i will help them anyway. I have realized mor than ever that you must stand tall in any storm and remain the better person, always. I must put my pride aside and do what is necessary, for me to survive. I must put my pride aside and tell myself that this shows more of my character, and less of theirs.

Life has a way of showing you a persons true colors. When you are granted such  gift as to seeing those colors, don’t you dare try to paint another picture. Instead, you must remain true to yourself and carry on, adding the color to the canvas that is missing. You must vibrate higher tan anything that is trying to bring you down. Overcome each daily battle with a smile on your face, because you have not been defeated. If there’s a will, there’s a way. You can achieve anything you desire, even if the whole world is against you. Believe in yourself, because the truth always comes out in the end no matter what lie was told.

Subliminal Messages

We all do them. Whether it’s to a friend, a family member, a significant other, or even someone irrelevant. We all make a comment that is an intentional “dig” to hurt someone or to make them feel some sort of way. I myself, am guilty of subliminal messages. What is the purpose of them? Why even care so much to go out of your way and waste your time on trying to make someone see something they probably already know, and see themselves? The reality…? No one really gives a shit. If anything, it makes you look stupid. Everyone gets it, and if you think for one second they don’t you are sadly mistaken. The problem with this generation is we are so quick to hide behind a “meme” or a social media site, rather than getting right to the point and saying how we truly feel. While on that, maybe sometimes stating your opinion and feelings on a situation isn’t the best route to go either.

Today I came across a status, and it took everything I had inside of me not to comment on it. You know, the one that digs right down to your core and you find it truly hilarious and disgusting at the same time? The status that has to be a joke on every level, but yet everyone seems to take it serious…? Yeah, one of those. If there is one thing I’ve learned recently, it’s that people are still going to do what they want, when they want, with who they want, all while my opinion means shit. Yes, I could have gone on a rant and made majority of the people in this particular status look, and feel like fools… However, after talking about it some I realized that the best thing for me to do was to keep my mouth shut and my fingers still. Did I write a subliminal post instead? Absolutely. Why? I lowered my maturity level and took a time hop back to high school. I couldn’t just let it be what it was, I had to say something! You know the even funnier part?? I bet that the people I made the post for knew exactly what I was talking about. After all, subliminal messages aren’t so subliminal, are they?

I have come to find that I like the honest, blunt me. Yes, some of the things that come out of my mouth are savage, but at the end of the day my words only have meaning when ones gives them meaning. If there is no truth in what I say, one cannot be bothered… right? Wrong! Instead, I’ll have to just pick and choose my battles. Some battles aren’t worth fighting, while others need to be knocked off their high horse, and slapped back into reality. This is not the Wild West. Hopefully it doesn’t come to that but when and if the opportunity arises, I will see how I’m feeling. Today, I was humble. Next time, one may not be so lucky.

The crazy downside to all of this is when a person gets right to the point, no subliminal message needed, they become an asshole. The bad guy. Why is that? Is it because the truth hurts? Then, I find to notice when a person throws an intentional dig, it is counteracted with another dig. In this case the world becomes blind to what the world is really supposed to be; To love and be loved. Silently bashing a person or situation has become the new trend, and it will never stop. When it does start to simmer down, that will be because more people are sticking up and speaking up for how they truly feel. Why not do more of that? Why sugar coat anything really? It’s your life, your happiness.

With this blog, I urge you to be more of yourself. Rock to the beat of your drum more, rather than being in someone else’s band. Even if your hands are shaky and inexperienced, with patience and practice you’ll have a sick beat. If you have a problem with something, address it in a kindly manner. No one said to say it like a cold-hearted creature, but please do, get your point across. People know how to treat and respect you by the way you treat and respect yourself and others. I’m not saying because you are an honest person, that others will be as open an honest either. Honesty is an expensive gift that you can’t expect from cheap people. I have been digging deep into my soul lately. I still make mistakes, I am human. I am learning though, as we all should. I think there comes a time in life when you realize what and who matters, and what and who never did. Instead of letting irrelevant things bring you on a time hop back to high school, lets just stay in the here and now while working to better yourself and those around you. Instead of not liking something and throwing a dig out there, realize that you really don’t have to say anything at all. Sometimes the best answer is no answer, where no one can mistake your silence for ignorance. Open your mind, accept what is, and live above the hate.